Friday, March 13, 2015


What does P&P mean to you? Policy and Procedures? Party and Play? Postage and Packing? David thought it meant someone had drank a lot of water and needed to Pee... and Pee some more!  It means Protection and Provision.  Two promises made by God.  These words were taught to me by my friend and hypno-therapist, Marilyn Ross.  She has been a spiritual mentor and as such a conduit of God's grace.

Ulysses "Mac" McLester was a professional and 12 step mentor to me. He was an incredible teacher.  He taught me acronym for FEAR: False Events Appearing Real.

Sydney (my daughter) is the boss of me.  She always has been.  She is my spiritual ground wire and mirror when I need accountability.  She was the one who put me on my "F" diet and thankfully gave me a hiatus today (prepare yourself).  Therefore, you need to know the other acronym for fear is: Fuck Everything And Run.

Aubrey is my youngest daughter and she is my little monkey.  She came into this world swinging, so I knew she was a lot like me.  She has Ehlers Danlos too.  She has taught me about courage. She feels fear every day and she keeps pressing on.  She makes me want to be a better mom.

Fear is future thinking and the further we think about the future, the more likely we are to scare the shit out of ourselves. Unfortunately, some faulty thinking and actions can be the result of those feelings.  When scared, we believe something IS true; it FEELS true, but there is little evidence to indicate TRUTH.

This morning I wanted to FUCK EVERYTHING AND RUN because I was scheduled for a lumbar puncture (which I have since decided they MUST change the name to spinal fluid draw.  I mean...what an awful name....PUNCTURE!) So I started to write this blog before I left because my writing is often my way of praying.  Then, of course, I got a text from my fellow spiritual warriors (Sydney and Aubrey) and they both just reminded me, in their own unique ways, that I should be praying.  So I wrote and I prayed.

There was so much on my schedule today but I was consumed with that one procedure. Fear is a nasty thing.  See, I have had several lumbar punctures throughout my life and spinal surgeries that involved the dura (the membrane that surrounds the spinal cord), and all have ended up with pretty gnarly results. This SEEMS like evidence to be rightfully scared.

Prayer brings presence and God has proven in the past two years that He is in charge of my life. And as Marilyn predicted and reminded me of on a daily basis, He met every single need associated with my Protection and Provision.  EVERY single need.  Many of you helped meet them, so you know.

Doubting that He had "gone before me" (thanks RB) today was pretty frustrating. Sometimes, I feel like I have a little too much in common with ole' Peter, who denied Christ 3 times before that damn rooster crowed.  ADHD moment: I saw two turkeys in the middle of the street in downtown Rochestor today.  I sort of thought God didn't have any Roosters handy, so he sent two turkeys. I tried to not take offense.

I am not Peter and I had the procedure done. I have never been more tired than I am tonight, and as you can see from the picture above, my protector (Leslie) AND my protector and my provider (David) have long since surrendered.  But I had to write about why I wasn't supposed to be scared about the spinal fluid draw today.  See,  I had two other appointments immediately after the procedure: one of which I missed entirely because they took the time to ensure I would not have a dura leak and made me lie flat on my back for over an hour.  The spinal fluid draw will determine if I have MS, so I'll let you know when I know those results.

The reason God had me focusing on that first procedure was because the hardest one turned out to be the appointment with the Neuro-Ophthalmologist.  That crafty fellow had me distracted!  They did tests never done before and spent over 3 hours with me.  Unfortunately, the doctor discovered I have Fuchs Endothelial Corneal Dystrophy.  She said she wasn't a cornea specialist and would have to refer me to lots more testing next week (Oh yeah!), but that I had a moderate case for sure. This is a progressive disease, where my normally visually challenging mornings and painful eye, will begin to extend further into the day. Eventually I will lose my eyesight. She is referring me to the cornea specialists to develop a treatment plan and assess if I am a good candidate for cornea implants.

It's funny because I am not scared.  I am sad.  I am sad that there will be a day that I will not be able to see the faces of those I love the most.  But I have lots of days I will be able to see them and I won't let that ultimate day of NOT....interfere with today's YES.  In fact, the entire time I was getting my LUMBAR PUNCTURE (that turned out just fine, except that I am exhausted and have to lie flat for the weekend), I listened to the ipod Aubrey gave me for mother's day and ONLY played "All is well with my soul" throughout. I visualized the trip Sydney is planning for us this fall: zip-lining with my sweetie in Costa Rica! And lastly, I twirled my wedding ring.  The doctor said I was the best patient he ever had.

Well, fuck.  

All kidding aside, He's got this and as Sydney said, it's ok to be a little sad tonight, but I have to stay here at Rochestor until they get through all this complex stuff and fix me up for the journey ahead. Yes, mam.


Joshua 1:9 (Thank you, Lisa Thorne)
"Be strong and of good courage; do not be afraid or dismayed, for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go."

No comments:

Post a Comment